I'm Comin' Home.

I've decided to leave Intel and be a stay-at-home Mom. Making the decision was as easy as it gets. Once push came to shove and we had to commit to childcare, I couldn't do it. Oh, I agonized about it leading up to it, pretty much my whole maternity leave. I could see myself as both a working mom and a stay-at-home mom, I really could. I was actually leaning towards working mom because I just thought I'd be an idiot if I didn't work when I have a job I enjoy and hey, it pays nicely. Looking back now, it seems as though I was trying to talk myself out of what my heart and soul were telling me all along because I wasn't accepting who I am now. I'm just not wired to do both. Maybe it's because I had a stay-at-home mom. Maybe it's because I already have big issues with guilt and don't want to even try taking on the guilt I'd feel balancing work and home. Maybe it's because my job isn't as fulfilling now that I can compare it to being a mom. Maybe it's because I have the choice. I'm grateful for the choice.

I wanted Nate to have an opinion on what I do but of course he just said he wanted me to be happy and fulfilled, and whichever option maximized that was the right one. I wanted him to have a strong preference so if it ended up being wrong, I had someone else to blame. I know, very mature of me.

Life is long, childhood is short, and life already feels short enough. I can always go back to work. I can't always go back and experience Lily's childhood again. Call me selfish but I don't want to miss anything.

This week, I'll say goodbye to a company that's been good to me the last 10 years, a job that I enjoyed, and people that I'll miss. I'm also going to say hello to an exciting new chapter that will let me focus much more on my family.

It still blows me away how much I've changed in the last year. I didn't even know I wanted kids till I was 29. I didn't know whether I could handle Lily those first few hellish weeks. Now, I don't want to let her go and the person I thought I was already seems like a distant memory.