Nate and Paul are at a Timbers game, Elise is drawing by me while giving Moxie some attention, Lily is in her room on a screen, and I'm enjoying the warmth from the space heater while I reflect back over the last 6 weeks.
I've continued to play more music and shed more tears. Happy tears are mixed in these days too, though over simple things such as watching Elise run cross country races on a special foot we were once advised to amputate. I get misty eyed when I look over at Paul and Elise cuddling in bed with me while we watch Family Ties. We are looking for one specific episode I watched with my siblings around their age that made me laugh so hard. I sound like a blubbering mess of a softie which is true in part but I'm also grateful to be busy being inappropriate and silly with friends, enjoying comedy shows, and getting books from the library to stack on my nightstand like a work of art instead of actually reading them. Work keeps me busier than I'd like but who doesn't relate to that? Not many.
Lily continues to be all in on volleyball. She prefers to spend her days playing it, talking about it, and watching replays of her games. I respect her passion and intensity for the sport; she is very disinterested in doing much with her family so it's tough to connect other than observe from afar. Paul is starting back into baseball and tennis this week after a 5 month break. He doesn't have the fire for anything right now like Lily does. I'd settle for general excitement for one thing he looks forward to each day at this point, a quick bike ride around the neighborhood for example. He sure can be a hilarious ham when he wants to be. Elise may struggle with some debilitating anxiety and worry over elements out of her control, but all in all she's thriving because she's engaged in the world with her friends, after school activities, her creative outlet of drawing, sculpting, comedy, and cooking, and always wanting to do things together as a family. I see Elise like the glue to the family like Lolo is in my family. When Nate isn't busy working in jam-packed work days full of back to back meetings, he spends his time reading so many books, riding his bike, playing games on his phone, cooking family dinner, and being a very hands-on Dad.
Eric's burial was last weekend on the day of the annular eclipse; a sweet coincidence. It brought a final closure to something I didn't want closure on. I've had a couple dreams with him in it. I'm comforted by the fact that I can see him most vividly in my dreams and for a moment believe I can truly see him again.
I always say how much I admire people who are articulate and eloquent speakers. I think Nate has that but he just doesn't show it off much to the outside world. I'm also realizing more and more that I run naturally a bit dark inside. I admire those who are naturally positive bright lights of sunshine who can shake the dark off a bit more easily and move on with a smile. Getting older sure doesn't feel like it helps how to deal with the suffering in my family and in the world any easier. It's a hot mess out there and getting older draws the curtain back more and more to reveal the truth that everyone suffers at some level, is confused, and just trying to get through the days as best they can. I do think I'm better at not making life harder than it already is at this point in my life and appreciating the joy more.
Gosh, this post feels a bit dark. Sorry. When I no longer have the passion to meet new people and hear their stories, I'll be concerned. I continue to love simply connecting with others. I'm really looking forward to the Holiday season with friends and family. Here are some memories from Fall so far.
Elise graduated from Junior Girl Scout to Cadet Girl Scout. Beautiful day for her bridging ceremony over the Tilikum Bridge with her Troop. She has been a Girl Scout with the same troop since Kindergarten.
Lily finished her first volleyball season at Lincoln. It was a quick and intense 8 week season. She met her goal with over 100 kills during the season as an outside hitter. 
Took Paul and Elise to Oaks Park Oktoberfest celebration. It was nice to dress up and see at least a good attempt at bringing Oktoberfest to Portland. Miss you Munich.
A really cool immersive art experience popped up recently. Respect for the creativity.
A really fun park outing while Lily was busy. We played frisbee, grounders, and played around on the playground on a warm Fall day. Thanks for channeling Eric with your silly smile Paul.
Homecoming 2023. Often the best part of the dance is the getting ready beforehand with friends. It was fun to play host to Lily and her group of friends getting ready together while the parents enjoyed happy hour.
Elise finished her first season on the x-country team. She ran either a 2K or 3K on race days. Super proud of her finishing each race and really putting in the effort.
Papa Haydn is a nearby restaurant that is a special place because it was part of the proposal Nate concocted. This was the first time we took the whole family there for dinner and dessert. We typically just get dessert to go.
Eric's urn was being buried near the family cottage, Thunder Road, at 9am PST on October 14. I wanted to be at Pittock Mansion during that time because it was one of the last places I had a phone conversation with him. It also happened to be when the annular eclipse was happening. I saw the ring when the skies cleared for a moment. I wanted to believe it was a sign from Eric but I found more comfort listening to Thunder Road and hearing from family.
Papa Haydn is a nearby restaurant that is a special place because it was part of the proposal Nate concocted. This was the first time we took the whole family there for dinner and dessert. We typically just get dessert to go.
Nate has definitely found two big ways to regularly bond with Paul - Timbers and mountain biking. Am I jealous? A little. I am really glad they found a couple activities they can do together for a long time to come. 
Our pumpkin patch outing as a family was a comical bust this year. We showed up to a new pumpkin patch only to find out it would cost $80 to just get in. We didn't care about the hay rides and didn't think it should cost $80 to look at farm animals. We just wanted to buy some pumpkins and enjoy the ambience. Instead we took this quick picture by the entrance, got back in the car and went to Trader Joes as a family to pick out pumpkins and get some grocery shopping done. At least the drive out there was pretty.
Pumpkin carving time as a family, yay.
It was bound to happen. We finally had a year of mixed reviews for school pictures. Paul wins Gold for most awkward smile. We had a good run of some great pictures over the years. This is one for the memory books.
I enjoyed reading this update. You say “I run naturally a bit dark inside”, but I think you are just incredibly thoughtful about life and the world. These pics made me smile. Didn’t you have another pumpkin patch bust (or was it a Xmas tree farm)?! :-)
ReplyDelete