Ok, this post is more self-therapy than something for Lily to fondly look back on when she's all grown up, but whatever. I'm having a tough time with Lily right now. I haven't broken down this hard crying "ugly cry" while she's in the room since my frustrating and painful start to breastfeeding 20 months ago. The same level of intensity of sadness, anger, frustration has returned. Replace the pain of the start to breastfeeding with humiliation and that's where I am at this moment. Lily's biting phase was a little bit embarrassing but I had good friends around that kept coming around to hang out with me and my little dracula which helped me so much. I kept saying "if she'll just stop the biting, it'll be ok...." Oh, how wrong I was. Lily is now a grabber/ pincher/scratcher/swatter and what makes it embarrassing is that she does it to kids that have not provoked her in the least bit. She'll be clear across the room and march up to a 1 year old playing innocently with a toy and Lily will pinch them just because. Heck, she'll do it to a 6 year old too, doesn't matter the kid's age. I don't get it. She also yells "no!"now to kids that are doing anything that Lily might like to do. At the zoo, if she sees another kid in a stroller, she yells no at them and does this swipe in the air with her arm. It wasn't even a month ago when she was being a ham with strangers at the German zoo. How things change. I know it's a phase and relatively speaking, this is all a big "whatever" but it's what's on my mind living with this day in and day out right now.
What really makes it frustrating is that we are actively trying to correct this behavior. I'm hovering to prevent the situations, I'm giving time outs (which she usually thinks are a game), I'm giving alternative behaviors (say "hi" instead of "no"), and none of it seems to have any effect.
I have a very spirited and challenging 20 month old. She's always been a rock star sleeper and eater, so this must be the challenge that every kid presents. Half the time she'll surprise me with new words that I didn't know she could say or things she remembers (like a dance move her cousin showed her a month ago) and the other half of the time she shows behavior that makes me think that she'll pursue cage fighting as a career. For now I'm changing up my routine to avoid situations that would showcase her crappy behavior. If it's just a phase, I'm going to follow her cue to make the environments a bit easier for her. I'm going to do fewer group playdates and more one on one time with friends she knows. The saving grace from all this is that she is still an angel when playing with the few friends she knows quite well. My glass of wine will probably be a little bit fuller for hopefully only a little while but whatever helps (I'm drinking one of those right now). Now, I just need to find a support group for parents with aggressive toddlers and I'm good to go.
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ReplyDeleteA little girl did this to Magdalena today at a play gym - just walked up to her and swatted at her, a few times, actually. The girl was about 20 months old too, and the mother was apologetic and embarrassed. Fortunately, it didn't phase M, and we just moved on. So if it makes you feel any better at all, it is not just you!!!
gosh Nicole... I'm sorry... that sucks. But I think you're right when you say that every kid has their issue and this happens to be Lily's. And if it's any consolation this morning the whining in my house made me want a glass of wine at 7am (as well as 5:45am) - so thats our current issue.
ReplyDeleteand I know Nora & Lily don't know each other super well at this point but we're still happy to get together if you want to "test the waters". Nora's pinched Ettas neck a few times lately so might be good for her to be with someone her own size (or taller - albiet over a year younger :))
You know, I hear that careers in cage fighting come with good benefits! ;-) No seriously, I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now - please know that Lily is totally normal and just like you got through the breastfeeding challenges, you will get through this. Good that you wrote this post - it's important to vent!
ReplyDeleteHi Nicole, I have been thinking all morning about what to write that might make you feel better. Jude went through an aggressive phase too, where he would push and yell at other kids (total strangers) on the playground. He did grow out of it pretty quickly, and for those months we just had to be especially vigilant whenever he was around other kids. I think that part of this was a learned behavior (he is the youngest in his class at school, and a few of the older kids pushed him before he was big enough to stand his ground) and also a reaction to a big change in his life (little sister being born).
ReplyDeleteI wonder if Lily is reacting to some of the uncertainty associated with the fact that she's had to adapt to new environments a few times recently? I read something a few months ago which said "When our kids are being the most difficult, that is when they need us the most." This has really helped me to get through Jude's difficult moments and to try to be sympathetic instead of judging his behavior.
It will get better. This age is one of those "disequilibrium" ages (1.5, 2.5, 3.5, etc) which are especially challenging as our kids' desires and abilities are out-of-sync. I was really helped by the "Your One-Year-Old" book around this time last year when Jude was just starting to act out and display his temper/stubborn streak.
Hang in there!
Going from P-land to Germany for a couple months is a huge adjustment. I think we parents underestimate how change effects the little people. (As much fun it was for all of you!) As well as having extended family around and then to the 3 of you. It's a lot for them... Set her up for success and manage your expections of her- she's one. You guys are doing a great job! Love, ~Mel
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to the post when you declare Lily has graduated from this phase. In the meantime, we are thinking of you! Incidentally, Sydney has just entered the biting phase. It hurts!
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