Christmas 2023 & Nate's 47th Birthday

This time last year, I had made the resolution to document more of the moments when I feel most in love with myself as a way to be a bit kinder to myself and maybe learn about myself a bit more in the process.  The resolution was a big fail - not one journal entry on the topic.  What I did do, though, was journal a lot more than usual on all that happened in 2023.  It was a whole lot of hard, heartbreak, and also so much love.  Gosh, I continue to cry anytime I let myself stop and look back at 2023 like I am right now.  I have never felt so much deep extended sadness and pure beautiful moments of love over and over again. 

The love was very much felt over Christmas.  We were grateful to host my whole family including Eric's family.  The 12 of us spent the Holidays together taking it easy and enjoying each other's company at home.  There was more laughter than tears.  The hugs felt good too.  We toasted to Eric and gave him a good show he could enjoy up in heaven.   

We also made sure Nate felt the love on his Birthday.  This year's Dad triathlon involved a family walk to Powell's, a Forest Park hike, and a walk to check out the Christmas lights on Peacock Lane.  We enjoyed the new restaurant Alpenrausch for dinner to enjoy some German-Swiss food.  Hello kaesespaetzle.  

Speaking of German/Swiss food, fondue is on the menu for tonight with Oma and Opa - a decades-long family tradition.  Staying up til midnight is not an issue for the kids anymore - easy as can be.  The challenge to stay up that late is much more with me.  

Cheers to new adventures and kindness as our compass for ourselves and onto others.  

Here are some highlights of the last few days.  I loved Christmas with family so much, I didn't want to pick just a few...so I made a highlight reel.

Paul likes to cut down the tree after Christmas. 

Elise got some new clay for Christmas.  I continue to be amazed by her sculpting creations. 

Nate's Birthday.  Started with Opa's popovers and ended with his favorite cake from Papa Haydn.  Lots of walking in between.

Christmas morning

Christmas morning family pic before everyone was ready to open presents.

Christmas 2023 Highlight reel - yeah, some of the pictures are cut off or not centered right...

https://photos.app.goo.gl/xXRpakemm7ZGodi18

Birthdays, Visitors, Oma & Opa are back

Birthdays came and went as did a few visitors this past Fall. My sister came for a weekend for no other reason than to simply hang out with us.  She did get to do her favorite pastime a bit more on this visit: cuddling puppies.  Grandma and Grandpa also came over Paul and Elise's 12th Birthday weekend to help us spoil them.  We had a fun quick visit with our dear friends from Munich too.  

Paul and Elise are now 12 years old.  Their years were noticeably different from each other.  Elise is my home body, preferring her robe and a blanket much of the time, yet she had a year of adventures and firsts which not only make us parents proud but which I know she'll remember as milestones too.  She did her first week-long camping trip with her Girl Scout troop and traveled solo with me to Florida to be with my brother.  She surprised us by not only wanting to try the school cross country team but also stuck with it and ran multiple 3K races.  She was in her element at her 5th grade graduation - so carefree and full of joy; just how we wish to imagine our kids when we close our eyes to think of them.  Elise's culinary creations, sketches, and clay sculptures bumped up a significant notch in quality this past year.  She definitely got Nate's artistic talents and then some. Uncle Eric's passing manifested a stronger desire to do more family activities together and asking more questions than before about our family stories.

Paul had a tough year overall.   A pitching injury took him out of baseball and tennis for a solid 5 months.  He spent a lot more time biking around the neighborhood alone to pass the time (aka when we told him to get off screen and out of the house).  He lost his fire and passion for his interests this past year to the point that we were concerned he was steering towards depression.  He has bounced back some since being able to start back up in baseball conditioning and one tennis class.  What he was lacking in intensity, he made up for with his willingness to help when asked, sweet hugs, and long goodnights and cuddles.  Paul always says he doesn't like school but he is a very conscientious, organized, and disciplined student.  His cereal-loving breakfast days may be over and being replaced with omelets now.  Uncle Eric's passing manifested with a need to know the plans and timing of it all.  His eyes are on the time often. He can sense when I'm sad and will reach out and give me a hug and not say a word.  I can sense it with him too. Paul can get quite concerned if any of us are home later than expected.  

I'll remember my birthday this year being low key and feeling the love hug from my circle.  I'll also very much remember that the months I have spent watching Family Ties in order with Nate, Paul, and Elise just to find one specific episode that I vividly remember laughing so hard at with my brother and sister when I was the twin's age led to it playing on my Birthday.  Thanks Eric. It meant the world to me to see that scene again.  Steven Keaton (the Dad in Family Ties) cracks me up.

Oma and Opa are back in Portland now after being gone much of the year.  Even with my Dad's bad back and my mom not having function of one arm, they helped me out of a bind putting together a quick salmon appetizer for me to take to a last-minute work potluck.  That's what they do - they help however they can whenever asked, especially when it comes to food.

Next up is hosting Christmas.  We are all very much looking forward to seeing Sonya, Ken, Jill, Ryan, and Emma. We have some fun in store that will surely bring some laughs.  We'll make Eric proud as he watches us celebrate Christmas together.  As Buddy says in Eric's favorite Christmas movie "Elf": "I just like to smile. Smiling is my favorite."  We will try and channel Elf this Holiday.  

Birthday dinner - take out from G-Love

This is where I go to feel most connected to what my heart is feeling.

Big welcome to Lolo at the airport

We enjoyed Thanksgiving with friends in Black Butte Oregon.  This was after a game of touch football

The homemade knitted socks strings for each of the kids is one of my favorite Christmas decorations and traditions.

Elise's Birthday sleepover party with her crew.

A Christmas tree helps bring calm to the home

Twins wanted sushi for their Birthday dinner with Grandma and Grandpa

12 year old Paul and Elise, still about the same height!

This is a view from Lily's high school during a random weekday sunrise.

Welcome back Oma and Opa.  Opa was unpacked within minutes of arriving.

At Elise's Christmas piano concert.

Paul's Birthday party sleepover with his crew.  They enjoyed the candy shop and even tried Bean Boozled game for the first time.  The bad ones are more horrific tasting than expected.

Last picture of 2023 with the GN (girls night) crew, going 20+ years strong of our Monday nights together

Fall 2023

Nate and Paul are at a Timbers game, Elise is drawing by me while giving Moxie some attention, Lily is in her room on a screen, and I'm enjoying the warmth from the space heater while I reflect back over the last 6 weeks.  

I've continued to play more music and shed more tears.  Happy tears are mixed in these days too, though over simple things such as watching Elise run cross country races on a special foot we were once advised to amputate.  I get misty eyed when I look over at Paul and Elise cuddling in bed with me while we watch Family Ties.  We are looking for one specific episode I watched with my siblings around their age that made me laugh so hard.  I sound like a blubbering mess of a softie which is true in part but I'm also grateful to be busy being inappropriate and silly with friends, enjoying comedy shows, and getting books from the library to stack on my nightstand like a work of art instead of actually reading them. Work keeps me busier than I'd like but who doesn't relate to that?  Not many.

Lily continues to be all in on volleyball.  She prefers to spend her days playing it, talking about it, and watching replays of her games. I respect her passion and intensity for the sport; she is very disinterested in doing much with her family so it's tough to connect other than observe from afar.  Paul is starting back into baseball and tennis this week after a 5 month break.  He doesn't have the fire for anything right now like Lily does.  I'd settle for general excitement for one thing he looks forward to each day at this point, a quick bike ride around the neighborhood for example.  He sure can be a hilarious ham when he wants to be. Elise may struggle with some debilitating anxiety and worry over elements out of her control, but all in all she's thriving because she's engaged in the world with her friends, after school activities, her creative outlet of drawing, sculpting, comedy, and cooking, and always wanting to do things together as a family.  I see Elise like the glue to the family like Lolo is in my family.  When Nate isn't busy working in jam-packed work days full of back to back meetings, he spends his time reading so many books, riding his bike, playing games on his phone, cooking family dinner, and being a very hands-on Dad.  

Eric's burial was last weekend on the day of the annular eclipse; a sweet coincidence.  It brought a final closure to something I didn't want closure on.  I've had a couple dreams with him in it.   I'm comforted by the fact that I can see him most vividly in my dreams and for a moment believe I can truly see him again.  

I always say how much I admire people who are articulate and eloquent speakers.  I think Nate has that but he just doesn't show it off much to the outside world.  I'm also realizing more and more that I run naturally a bit dark inside. I admire those who are naturally positive bright lights of sunshine who can shake the dark off a bit more easily and move on with a smile.  Getting older sure doesn't feel like it helps how to deal with the suffering in my family and in the world any easier.  It's a hot mess out there and getting older draws the curtain back more and more to reveal the truth that everyone suffers at some level, is confused, and just trying to get through the days as best they can.  I do think I'm better at not making life harder than it already is at this point in my life and appreciating the joy more.

Gosh, this post feels a bit dark.  Sorry.  When I no longer have the passion to meet new people and hear their stories, I'll be concerned.  I continue to love simply connecting with others.   I'm really looking forward to the Holiday season with friends and family.  Here are some memories from Fall so far.

Elise graduated from Junior Girl Scout to Cadet Girl Scout.  Beautiful day for her bridging ceremony over the Tilikum Bridge with her Troop. She has been a Girl Scout with the same troop since Kindergarten.

Lily finished her first volleyball season at Lincoln.  It was a quick and intense 8 week season. She met her goal with over 100 kills during the season as an outside hitter.  

Took Paul and Elise to Oaks Park Oktoberfest celebration.  It was nice to dress up and see at least a good attempt at bringing Oktoberfest to Portland. Miss you Munich.

A really cool immersive art experience popped up recently.  Respect for the creativity.

 

Our front yard is ready for Halloween.  We decided on a witch for the door decor this year.

A really fun park outing while Lily was busy.  We played frisbee, grounders, and played around on the playground on a warm Fall day. Thanks for channeling Eric with your silly smile Paul.

Homecoming 2023.  Often the best part of the dance is the getting ready beforehand with friends.  It was fun to play host to Lily and her group of friends getting ready together while the parents enjoyed happy hour.

Elise finished her first season on the x-country team.  She ran either a 2K or 3K on race days.  Super proud of her finishing each race and really putting in the effort.

Eric's urn was being buried near the family cottage, Thunder Road, at 9am PST on October 14.  I wanted to be at Pittock Mansion during that time because it was one of the last places I had a phone conversation with him.  It also happened to be when the annular eclipse was happening.  I saw the ring when the skies cleared for a moment.  I wanted to believe it was a sign from Eric but I found more comfort listening to Thunder Road and hearing from family.  

Papa Haydn is a nearby restaurant that is a special place because it was part of the proposal Nate concocted.  This was the first time we took the whole family there for dinner and dessert.  We typically just get dessert to go.

Nate has definitely found two big ways to regularly bond with Paul - Timbers and mountain biking.  Am I jealous?  A little.  I am really glad they found a couple activities they can do together for a long time to come.  

Our pumpkin patch outing as a family was a comical bust this year.  We showed up to a new pumpkin patch only to find out it would cost $80 to just get in.  We didn't care about the hay rides and didn't think it should cost $80 to look at farm animals.  We just wanted to buy some pumpkins and enjoy the ambience.  Instead we took this quick picture by the entrance, got back in the car and went to Trader Joes as a family to pick out pumpkins and get some grocery shopping done.  At least the drive out there was pretty.

Pumpkin carving time as a family, yay.

It was bound to happen.  We finally had a year of mixed reviews for school pictures.  Paul wins Gold for most awkward smile.  We had a good run of some great pictures over the years.  This is one for the memory books.

World Spins On - Family time, Kidney Stone, and Start of School

Lily's excitement around starting high school and being busy with volleyball pushed the rest of the family into thinking about fall mode and mentally introducing the idea of working towards a family routine again.  Besides Lily, the rest of us really wanted more downtime, summer mode, family time, and time to breathe and grieve.  Eric remains very much on our minds.  August plays a bit like a montage of vivid moments of our time with Eric, grieving as a family, quiet moments alone, and celebrating Eric all together with loved ones.  I continue to play more music than ever before as a way to cope and connect with Eric.  

We are one week into the new school year.  Lily surprised us by making varsity volleyball as an outside hitter.  We are super proud of her and also quickly learning that we see even less of Lily now.  Elise surprised us by wanting to give cross country a try. I can't help but think Eric's well known love of running may have had something to do with that.  We are super proud of her for giving it a try.  She doesn't have sensation on much of her special foot and gets sore after too much time on it, yet here she is wanting to give it a go.  Paul is still coming back from injury so his typical busy fall sports schedule is very light.  I'm very curious how this all plays out once he's better.  He is biking a lot more again and seems to like it.  He also doesn't seem to be missing tennis that much.  I just want him to find a sport that puts a fire in his butt to want to really work hard and put in the time.

We will remember the start of this school year with a trip to the emergency room.  Elise passed a kidney stone!  They all started with sudden screams from her bedroom.  A parent knows their kid's sounds and I immediately knew something "big" was going on.  Elise made it clear telling us that she needs to go to the ER quickly and while Nate and I bickered about whether to take her to the ER or call the doctor first, Elise had crawled down the stairs and was putting her shoes on to declare that she was going to the ER with or without us.  After 2 hours of horrible pain,  like a balloon popping inside her lower abdomen (as Elise described it), the pain went away.  We didn't know until the very end of our six hour stay at the ER that it was a kidney stone, but all in all it was probably the best case outcome.

Nate was incredible being there for me and for our family in whatever way was needed.  He even stepped out of his comfort zone and hosted our annual block party all on his own while I was with Eric and family.  He had a family funeral of sweet Uncle Bill on the same day as Eric's funeral and he simply figured out a way to honor both, while driving back and forth between Ann Arbor and Chicago with Paul and Elise.  

As we continue into Fall, I'm going to let a quote I read help keep me focused.  "So, what if, instead of thinking about solving your whole life, you just think about adding additional things.  One at a time.  Just let your pile of good things grow."

The back of Eric's funeral photo card.  Miss you dude.

Family photo in Chicago.  You can see Eric's urn to the right.

Lolo and Ken swept Elise away for an early morning Chicago boat ride.

Chicago airshow kept our eyes on the sky 

Enjoyed a Sauvie Island date with my kids shortly after returning from Florida

Sisters, Oregon.  Family getaway for a few days in between saying goodbye to Eric and his celebration of life.  Paul is channeling Eric's classic expression in photos.

Paul is super proud of his homemade milkshake creation. He calls it the Paulinator.

Shout out to Nate and the kids for continuing to host our annual block party in my absence.

   

Elise spent some good time with Grandma and her cousin Charlotte in Ann Arbor.

A special outing to a Tigers game.

 Paul got to play a round of golf for the first time after getting some short game practice with Grandpa in Ann Arbor.

The night before school started, Elise in the ER getting tests run to diagnose her lower abdominal pain.  She was determined to still go to school after passing a kidney stone less than 12 hours before.

Obligatory first week kid's photo at our local fro yo spot.

With Paul still injured, he has been biking a lot more these days.

      Lily's first day of school photo.  

9th grade.  High schooler!

Paul and Elise.  6th graders.  Middle Schoolers now!