Proud, Firsts, and Daddy's Little Girl

I am proud of myself. It took me a few tries to type it and not immediately delete it. Darn it, I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. Those first few weeks with Lily were the hardest days of my life, no question. I couldn't adjust to the pain, pain I did not expect to have starting with labor and it resulted in a dark time (Keep in mind, strep throat was probably the pain level peak I had experienced up to that point). I'll probably have more funks down the road related to more emotional reasons versus physical pain but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. For now, I will be proud of myself for making it past the first month and that I'm enjoying Lily so much more now.

There have been quite a few firsts recently for both me and Lily:

- I have breastfed in public now a few times. (I said I was done talking about boobs but seriously, everyone needs to respect a new mom's boob. They have a life of their own and it's easily the 2nd most thought about topic on my mind - after Nate of course -just kidding, it even beats out Nate. Pain, leaking, engorgement, cramps causing, what to wear because of them, nipple weirdness, hose effect, can you tell I'm wearing a breast pad? Shoot, where's the lanolin? Will this shirt color hide milk leakage better? Will this shirt work for nursing? Does she really want boob or just to suck on something?). I still keep a log of when and how long the last breastfeeding session was. I think I do it more now because I think it's quite the accomplishment and it's my little way to recognize myself for still doing it.

- I went to the movies and saw Away We Go - cute movie. There was one memorable line that hit me hard because of my tendency to worry too much. "The only thing we have control over is to be good to our kid, that's it."

- I baked! I promised the boob whisperer a home baked treat if I didn't have any setbacks.

- I had my first full beer with the girls and it was soooooo good. I think a margarita is calling my name next.

- I went for my first swim over the weekend and I seriously was smiling a big toothy smile when I pushed off the wall.

- I'm not as scared to have her be awake when I'm away from the house. So what if she cries (wow, I definitely could not say that at first).

- Lily has been introduced to the swing and it really does keep her asleep a little while longer during the day.

- Lily loves looking out at her surroundings more and more now, especially at the mirror. That's my vain baby.

With Lily, I have never stared at someone so intently and with so much curiosity. If Brad Pitt was standing right next to her, Lily would still win and that is saying A LOT! If his shirt was off, it might be a different story. :) She already makes me laugh hard out loud, like when she goes from an all out cry to a huge smile in a blink of an eye or the "Tim the Tool Man Taylor" grunting with the "Jabba the Hut" look she does when she stretches.

The last thing I'll mention that I've recently noticed is how hard I try to maximize the free time I do get in bursts throughout the day. I want to do something I really love to do and I spend too much time thinking about what I want to do and being too picky that I end up wasting time and losing the window. I did manage to enjoy an online episode of the Colbert Report the other day. I watched those religiously while I was pregnant.

Nate had a great first Father's Day. He enjoyed a nice long bike ride and quite a few smiles and coo's from Lily. Here's a picture of the two of them - like Father like Daughter.

We leave for Maui on Wednesday. Even though she'll probably hate it, we're excited to dip her foot in the ocean as her introduction to what we hope she falls in love with - playing in the water.

PS I put hand soap on my toothbrush the other night, yummy. Yup, still exhausted.

Lily's A Month Old!

Monday was Lily's one month birthday. We didn't do anything specific to celebrate other than tell her it was her birthday. She gave us a list of gifts she'd like to receive, but we thought it was too early for a pony and tennis racket.

She's definitely changed over the course of the last month, but it's hard to recognize the changes when you're in the thick of things every day. But if you look at pictures (there's a new album posted in the usual place) and compare, her face has filled out a bit and changed. She's added two pounds to her 9.1 birth weight, and probably an inch or two also. She's wearing mostly 3-month old clothes, since at least the newborn sized onsies were fitting like sausage casings. She's holding her head up longer and controlling it better. And as of a couple of days ago she will smile in reaction to our smiles when she's calm and happy. To me, the smiles have been the biggest feel-good moments yet with her.

Nicole's work with the Boob Whisperer continues, and things are going well on that front. She's moved away from pumping since things have improved significantly and that's made the logistics a lot easier. No more warming up bottles and pumping = more time for everything else, like rest.

Lily got to meet her Auntie Sonya over the weekend, and they really seemed to hit it off. Lily decided that Sonya had a good shoulder for a nap and spent almost three hours sleeping on her one evening. I was actually out of town in Chicago for Tony's bachelor party for the weekend, so I missed most of the bonding. But I did manage to get almost nine straight hours of sleep Friday night, quite a luxury.

The days are still full of ups and downs. Last night is a good example. For about two hours after we wanted to go to bed, Lily just wanted to eat and would not fall asleep. So Nicole ended up feeding her on and off and in between we both tried to get her down to sleep without luck. It was really frustrating for all three of us. The only up side of those couple of hours was that during a time out, I got to see Conan's monologue on the Tonight Show for the first time. Not bad. Anyway, back to the story... After all that frustration, and thinking as I tried to fall asleep around midnight that it seemed like we'd be up all night, what happens? We wake up after 6AM. She slept over 6 hours for the first time! I don't think either of us believed it, I know I woke up assuming I had slept through a middle of the night feeding. Hopefully tonight has another 6 hour stretch without the craziness leading up to it.

Now that we're a month in I guess it's on to the next challenge. We leave for Tony & Stephanie's wedding on Maui next week, our first trip as a family. We're just hoping to be able to get in some good pool and beach time with a little surfing. But of course we'll play it by ear and just see how things go and what we're comfortable with.

Week 4

What a difference a week can make. Not having the foot stomping pain about every 3 hours around the clock and seeing improvement in my boobs after doing my homework of pumping so much it felt like it was a breathing machine has helped my mood and perspective some. I had a really good follow up appointment with the boob whisperer who gave me yet another new strategy to try and I plan to see her at least 2 more times just to help minimize the chance of a setback. I'm just so sick of boobs and you're probably tired of hearing about them.

I went to my first Mom's group at the nearby hospital and I'm glad I went. I learned a new soothing technique by bouncing on a workout ball with Lily. I have one at home and the thought to do that never crossed my mind. After meeting other 3 week old babies, Lily definitely looks older than she is. Not only does she have a full head of hair but she was more similar in size to the 2 month olds. Lily is now 10.5 lbs and probably a little longer than 22 inches.

Nate leaves for Chicago this weekend to live it up at a bachelor party (and enjoy a nice long deep sleep) and my sister arrives to help me out and meet Lily for the first time. My sister is 12 years older than I am so she took care of me quite a bit when I was a baby. It'll be really cool to see her taking care of Lily now. Lily is going to love her.

I'll end this post with a cute video of Lily smiling a few times for the camera. Don't forget the sound. Enjoy.

Week Three

This past week was supposed to be me being home alone with Lily while Nate went back to work. Monday evening, I asked him (while crying) to stay home more because I just wasn't ready to be alone that much with Lily. So, Nate ended working from home quite a bit more than planned and I'm grateful.

One of the big reasons I wasn't ready to be home alone all day was because of our appointment with the boob whisperer Monday afternoon. She gave me hope that I'd be able to breastfeed pain free but she said I need to be patient and do some homework first. My homework has been to pump and only practice breastfeeding a couple times a day to let my nipples heal (she gave me these hyrdogel pads to try out). She worked with me on the latch and reminded me of the main things to keep in mind - hold her shoulders and not her neck, lean her head back more than you might think, use her chin as a GPS for your nipple, try to position her under your breast more, and lose the latch the moment it feels like sandpaper. The practice sessions this week have been tough and testing of my patience but I haven't had the foot stompingly painful moments. The breastfeeding has been like Lily is bobbing for apples and I'm spray painting her face white with my leaky milk. The pumping has been a pain mainly because I literally had to go from zero knowledge on the topic to pretty good base of knowledge within hours. Pumping has also made me miss out on more sleep and I just want things to be simple. I am hopeful next week will be a turnaround in my breastfeeding career. Otherwise, I will have to suck it up and embrace pumping.

Thinking about exhaustion, I was going to put away the dishes from the dry rack and instead of putting them away, I suddenly realized that I was washing them again in the sink. It must have taken a good 30 seconds before I realized it.

I promised myself that I would follow my instincts with being a mom but I need to trust my gut to be able to do just that. I'm sad to say that I haven't followed through on my promise because of so much self doubt I currently have. I'm still keeping a log of every time I feed and every diaper change instead of just going by Lily's demands. I still google so much instead of just being in the moment and listening to my inner voice. It makes me cry just thinking about all the self doubt I have. As everyone says, it'll get better, right?

Looking back over the last 3 weeks, here are some random things that come to mind
- Day 10 - significant healing "down there" for me and no longer needing to sit on a boppy and having to do the 6 step bathroom routine.
- Need a lot more towels than I thought to get through the day
- Nate and I now know the look on Lily's face when she's squeezing a winner out and have heard her chin quivering cry.
- Day 20 - Lily's cord stump fell off (stinky little sucker)
- Swaddling still has room for improvement but thank goodness for the swaddle-me-blanket. I should've known I'd be bad at swaddling - have you seen my gift wrapping?
- My body feels up for a workout (at least upper body) but the mental part of me isn't quite there yet. I get a workout holding a 10lb baby most of the day and pacing the house for long stretches of time to get her to calm down but would prefer to play some tennis or swim some laps right now.
- I don't have the ravenous appetite from breastfeeding but I can't get enough water. I'm thirsty all the time.
- I can't make the statement I so often hear other parents say "My kid is the best thing that's ever happened to me!" I'm not there yet and I really want to be.

Speaking of calming Lily down, I'll leave you with a post of us trying everything to get her to fall asleep. Also, we plan to post Week 3 pics over the weekend so check back.