Week Three

This past week was supposed to be me being home alone with Lily while Nate went back to work. Monday evening, I asked him (while crying) to stay home more because I just wasn't ready to be alone that much with Lily. So, Nate ended working from home quite a bit more than planned and I'm grateful.

One of the big reasons I wasn't ready to be home alone all day was because of our appointment with the boob whisperer Monday afternoon. She gave me hope that I'd be able to breastfeed pain free but she said I need to be patient and do some homework first. My homework has been to pump and only practice breastfeeding a couple times a day to let my nipples heal (she gave me these hyrdogel pads to try out). She worked with me on the latch and reminded me of the main things to keep in mind - hold her shoulders and not her neck, lean her head back more than you might think, use her chin as a GPS for your nipple, try to position her under your breast more, and lose the latch the moment it feels like sandpaper. The practice sessions this week have been tough and testing of my patience but I haven't had the foot stompingly painful moments. The breastfeeding has been like Lily is bobbing for apples and I'm spray painting her face white with my leaky milk. The pumping has been a pain mainly because I literally had to go from zero knowledge on the topic to pretty good base of knowledge within hours. Pumping has also made me miss out on more sleep and I just want things to be simple. I am hopeful next week will be a turnaround in my breastfeeding career. Otherwise, I will have to suck it up and embrace pumping.

Thinking about exhaustion, I was going to put away the dishes from the dry rack and instead of putting them away, I suddenly realized that I was washing them again in the sink. It must have taken a good 30 seconds before I realized it.

I promised myself that I would follow my instincts with being a mom but I need to trust my gut to be able to do just that. I'm sad to say that I haven't followed through on my promise because of so much self doubt I currently have. I'm still keeping a log of every time I feed and every diaper change instead of just going by Lily's demands. I still google so much instead of just being in the moment and listening to my inner voice. It makes me cry just thinking about all the self doubt I have. As everyone says, it'll get better, right?

Looking back over the last 3 weeks, here are some random things that come to mind
- Day 10 - significant healing "down there" for me and no longer needing to sit on a boppy and having to do the 6 step bathroom routine.
- Need a lot more towels than I thought to get through the day
- Nate and I now know the look on Lily's face when she's squeezing a winner out and have heard her chin quivering cry.
- Day 20 - Lily's cord stump fell off (stinky little sucker)
- Swaddling still has room for improvement but thank goodness for the swaddle-me-blanket. I should've known I'd be bad at swaddling - have you seen my gift wrapping?
- My body feels up for a workout (at least upper body) but the mental part of me isn't quite there yet. I get a workout holding a 10lb baby most of the day and pacing the house for long stretches of time to get her to calm down but would prefer to play some tennis or swim some laps right now.
- I don't have the ravenous appetite from breastfeeding but I can't get enough water. I'm thirsty all the time.
- I can't make the statement I so often hear other parents say "My kid is the best thing that's ever happened to me!" I'm not there yet and I really want to be.

Speaking of calming Lily down, I'll leave you with a post of us trying everything to get her to fall asleep. Also, we plan to post Week 3 pics over the weekend so check back.