Ups and Downs

Had a Dr's appointment this afternoon to check dilation for the 2nd time. There is no new progress, same status as last week. He's happy with where I'm at and that's it. He went so far to make a prediction without any prompting and I wish he hadn't because it's still just a guess, even if it does come from my Doctor. He thinks Stetsi will be born either Monday or Tuesday.

Yesterday was our 3 year wedding anniversary. We celebrated by eating at Lovely Hula Hands. For you Portlanders that haven't been there yet, we highly recommend it. This time last year, we were packing for our 2 month travel adventure. This year, we have our overnight bags packed to start our upcoming lifetime adventure. I got Nate a French Press, grinder, and coffee beans; this marks the first time a coffee maker is in the house. Nate would have enjoyed how clueless I was trying to pull this gift together; it's comical how little I know about coffee. What's even funnier is what Nate got me. He got me liquor, a nice big bottle of Tequila; Yup, he got his 40 weeks pregnant wife liquor. He got all the margarita fixings plus 2 sizable margarita glasses for me. Its great he got 2 glasses so I can hold one in each hand. He probably thinks it's so we can enjoy a margarita together.

Today has not been a good day. I'm just in a funk and haven't been able to shake it all day. I just walked around the city aimlessly today for hours. The sun was shining and I do usually enjoy urban hikes but it didn't shake the pity party and whine fest I was letting my mind dwell in today. I miss my pre-pregnancy body. I really do. I miss both the way I used to look and how fit I felt. I'll probably suck at being patient and accepting of what my body is about to become. I won't consider the changes "battle wounds" and be proud of what I look like. I just want my old body back. I'm very curious to meet Stetsi but I'm not excited about the newborn phase. I have a big fear of flying and I just don't let myself get excited about the trip, no matter how great it sounds, until I land at the destination. I think I'm doing the same thing with Stetsi. Instead of all the great stuff people tell me will happen once she arrives, I think about the pain, lack of sleep, and accepting the fact that the life I once had really liked is gone. I heard a good quote during a movie preview by 2 parents expecting their first child, the wife said "the only thing we have control over is to be good to this baby." I do really want to be good to Stetsi no matter how much it'll suck at times.

Hopefully a good nights sleep (defined by getting up less than 3x and grunting quietly as I roll over in bed) will help make tomorrow a better day.